Pink Positive Dating

  • Feb 4, 2025

#16: Why we settle in dating and how to STOP for good

  • Pink Positive Dating

Ever find yourself wanting to stay with someone despite knowing they're not a match? Has dating fatigue or fear of prolonged singlehood tempted you to ditch your standards? 🫣 You may be falling victim to settler dating -- let's chat about it.

What is Settler Dating?

Settler dating occurs when we accept dates and partners who fall short of our standards and expectations, usually driven by desperation or a fantasy of what the relationship could be. It's easy to spot in friends but difficult to identify in ourselves. Signs include ignoring red flags, making excuses for your partner's behavior, and lowering your standards just to avoid solitude.

Why Do People Settle?

1. Emotional Starvation: Just like grabbing any food when hunger strikes, emotional starvation can lead you to accept minimal effort from partners. Emotional breadcrumbing—a phrase for those who give sporadic attention without real commitment—is a key example.

2. Dating Fatigue: The toll of poor dates and fruitless efforts, especially prevalent among women aware of their biological clocks, can lead to settling. Society's cliched reassurances only trivialize real desires, leaving many feeling hurried and panicked about finding suitable partners.

3. Fear of Singlehood: Constant portrayals of ideal relationships in media amplify the fear of prolonged loneliness. Logan Ury's book How to Not Die Alone is a resourceful guide for navigating these fears, highlighting actionable steps you can implement to steer your dating life positively.

4. Broken Wing Syndrome: Many times, people find themselves gravitating towards partners who need "fixing." This pattern can be detrimental, emphasizing the importance of seeking partners who are already whole.

Breaking the Cycle

Many who settle in relationships find themselves caught in repeating patterns, subtly addicted to the chase of unavailability, often stemming from unaddressed past traumas. Relying on what might be in fantasy rather than reality can trap dreamers—a term for people in these scenarios—into ongoing cycles.

Signs You May Be a Dreamer

If you find yourself repeatedly drawn to emotionally unavailable individuals, or those inconsistent in their commitment, you might be a dreamer. This state often leads to repeated dissatisfaction and unfulfilled desires. A similar concept is "situationships," where a relationship is undefined, leading to wasted emotionally invested time.

Steps to End Settler Dating

1. Realize the Impermanence: Understand that every unfulfilling connection you allow will end. Approach dating with the mindset of either building a lasting relationship or learning to walk away early.

2. Implement the Six-Month Rule: If you’ve been dating someone for six months without entering an official relationship, it's time to move on.

3. Reject Repeated Scenarios: By not settling, you change what the universe sends your way. Stand firm in this resolve to attract partners who genuinely fit your criteria.

4. Self-Reflection: Reflect on past decisions to understand what drew you to less-than-ideal partners and learn from these experiences.

5. Set Personal Boundaries: Make sure you know the kind of partners you seek, focusing on characteristics you value beyond superficial traits.

6. Engage in Joyful Pursuits: Explore hobbies and make time for things that bring you genuine happiness. This not only elevates your energy but attracts partners with similar positive vibes.

7. Shift Your Mindset: Constant negativity about dating can lower your resolve. Embrace affirmations and a positive outlook, focusing on the love and relationship you desire and deserve.

Big Pink Question

Every episode ends with a Big Pink Question, a powerful reflection prompt to help you practically apply sentiments from today’s episode directly into your dating and relationship life in a transformative way. This episode's Big Pink Question is:

If you’ve ever settled in dating or been in a situationship, why did you choose to settle? Given that experience plus the insights from today’s episode, how are you going to ensure you don’t settle again going forward?

Take some time to reflect or journal on this prompt. You never know what a good reflection will help you discover!

Affirmations

Affirmations are powerful tools you can use to transform your dating and relationship life, whether you're single and mingling or already in a committed relationship.

Affirmations are positive statements that you repeat to yourself to foster a mindset of positivity and self-empowerment by rewiring your brain to focus on a belief in your ability to accomplish your goals and outcomes.

These mental shifts reshape your internal dialogue, motivate you to take action, boost your emotional well-being, and offer you the strength to pursue goals despite challenges.

Follow@pinkpositivedatingon Instagram for daily affirmations to transform your love life. These affirmations can you help build confidence in your ability to find a suitable romantic partner, build a strong positive mindset to succeed at modern dating, and help you attract and strengthen romantic relationships.

Psst...Want to see some action? 👀 We're on YouTube!

Timestamps

Want to hear more about the points highlighted in the blog? Use the podcast timestamps to easily navigate to something you want to hear more about in the show!

00:00 Introduction to Settler Dating

00:54 Understanding Settler Dating

01:55 Reasons People Settle in Relationships

09:14 The Cycle of Settler Dating

11:27 Situationships Explained

16:29 Tips to End Settler Dating and Situationships

25:00 Big Pink Question

Modern dating got you down? No worries.

Say bye-bye to settling for less and hello to dating success! Check out our free ebook on the ten steps to overcoming singlehood, settling, and situationships.

I'm in! Give me the ebook :)

Psst...wanna know a secret?

Whether you're searching for love or strengthening your relationship, we've got the secrets to help you meet your dating goals. Navigate the modern dating scene confidently with real conversations on topics that matter. You in?

Yes, I'm ready for all the tips!

Important Links

At Pink Positive Dating, our mission is to serve as a positive space for uplifting conversations of building happy healthy romantic relationships. Want to learn more? Check out the links below for insights, real conversations, and high vibes ✨

Next Steps

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